He lodged himself in the chair in a forlorn attempt to avoid bedtime.
Two-year-old: (As I’m driving him home) You’re not a good driver.
Me: What? Why am I not a good driver?
Two-year-old: Because you’re not a big girl.
Me: I’m not?
Two-year-old: No! You’re a bad driver!
Toddler: Mama, get my ladybug down! I behave with it!
Me: You didn’t behave with it before, that’s why it’s put away.
Toddler: I behave now!
Toddler: Luna, say thank you!
Dog: (eats dinner)
Toddler: Mama, Luna not say thank you!
My throat is still sore from my cold so I asked him to “read” his book to me.
Mini-Marmot: I’m sad mama.
Me: Why are you sad?
Mini-Marmot: I’m worried.
Me: What are you worried about?
Mini-Marmot: (points to his dinner) Sausage! And pasta with cheese! And pears*! Pretty flowers! Grandma made those flowers!
*pears = asparagus
"Kiss my tongue, Mama!"
- the toddler, after he bit his tongue.
Apparently if you fall asleep on the couch while your toddler watches Thomas the Tank Engine, your punishment will be a dream crossing Thomas with Game of Thrones.
You really really don’t want to know.